I.

On Tuesday, Tim brought a picture of his baby in a baseball uniform. Did you see it? Well, his baby’s name is Dean, and Tim put the caption, “Deanball,” which is a play on “beanball” and made everyone laugh. It was adorable. 

I went home that night and had a talk with the wife, and next thing you know, we’re in Target looking for an outfit for our son Nathan. Nathan’s in his stroller, he’s kicking all over the place, and all I can think about is Tim and Deanball.

We’re in the baby section looking through all kinds of little outfits with footies and zips, and I’m just trying to come up with puns. A onesie with soap bubbles: Better Nate than Lever? A muscle-man T-shirt: Man-Nate-Tee? A khaki safari set: When Nate-ure Calls?

Anyway, we didn’t get one. Deanball is unbeatable.

II.

What kind of miles per gallon does your Volkswagen get?

That’s not bad. It’s like my wife’s Accord. That’s a nice little four-door, and it’s got a nice sized trunk for lugging some of the kids’ stuff around. I like it, but it’s a little too... beige, you know?

I’m just wondering because I’m getting somewhere around 26 with my new Audi. (Audi’s the premium version of Volkswagen, so I figured I’d ask you.) I’m not driving it hard or anything, so I guess it’s pretty good given my commute. It’s a beast, that thing. It’s got those eyebrow headlights and it’s really fast. It even has really great cupholders. With these little fingers that just hold anything. It’s really quiet too, like you’re floating down the highway, not just driving on it.

How’s the radio in your car?

Oh, that sounds nice. Yeah, I can’t figure out how to use the system in this one. The salesman talked me into getting the upgrade, with this knobby control thing, and it’s just impossible to use. I always mess it up if I try to change any settings. The other day I couldn’t stop it from scanning AM stations. All the way home! I keep having to ask the kids to fix it for me.

Anyway, I’d definitely look into Audis the next time you’re looking for a car, they’re just the best. Okay, good talk. What’s your name again? Yup, that’s it. 

Good talk, Peter.

III.

It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Crossfit is a lifestyle. You end up wearing the shoes and getting all these dry-fit outfits and Nalgenes like this one. It’s one heck of a workout. 

Let me just fill this bottle up, then you can fill your glass.

I used to go to church more, which I guess is the biggest thing, but I have so much more energy now. I was up at 5:30 this morning and ran to the gym, which is more a warehouse than a gym really, but still. Then I worked out for an hour and jogged back home to get the kids out of bed. Johnny, my oldest, keeps staying up till midnight playing his games. Such a waste of time and money, those games! Hannah, she’s a little actress, always dressing up. I’m trying to get them both into Crossfit because then we can bond over it.

All done. Your turn.

You should come out! We all show up and exercise together, sometimes twice a day. We hang out sometimes, and we try to recruit as many people as possible! 

Also, I bet those shoes are probably hurting your arches. Am I right? You should try something more minimal. I can help you pick them out if you’d like. Anyway, enjoy your pasta salad. I used to love eating stuff like that, but I’m trying to cut out mayo and as many fats as possible. 

I’ll check the shared calendar and maybe we can go to lunch. I’m pretty specific about my meals now, so I should probably pick the place. Ciao!

IV.

Do you know anything about buying a baseball glove for your kid? It’s weird because I watch baseball all the time but I still don’t really know the difference between gloves.

The last time I bought gloves was two years ago and it was winter time. It was when we had that blizzard and I actually had to walk to the store because I couldn’t get my car out of a snowbank. They were almost out of gloves but I found a pair of fleece ones hidden behind the sunglasses display and I still use those gloves today.

Do you remember that winter? I remember that winter because it was also the time I first went to my favorite pizzeria after living in the same area for years. I guess I didn’t go in there before because it looked a little shaky but my wife wanted to give it a shot so I said yes. And we go there all the time now. My favorite thing to order is the calzone, which is sort of like a stromboli but it has ricotta and I get it with mushrooms too. They give you sauce to dip it in and if you ask, they give you extra for free. I usually get that with a Coke, which I like without a lid or straw so I can gulp it.

I think Coke is better than Pepsi because it’s less sugary and it has a crisper taste. Plus my mom always used to buy Coke so it’s just what I’m used to. My wife likes Diet Coke and the kids like Sprite but I’m trying to keep them away from drinking too much soda in general. It’s bad for you if you drink it all the time and it’s important to stay healthy.

That’s why I’m pushing them into sports and looking for a baseball glove for my son. Because it’s so important to go out there and meet kids as long as you stay safe and don’t take it too seriously. 

Oh I have a meeting soon. I should go but I’m interested in hearing more about your thoughts on baseball gloves. I know you don’t talk so much but I saw you at the park throwing with your son and I think you’d have some insight.

V.

I heard she quit over a parking spot. 

Shari. 

Oh, you know her. She was the one with that red rolling briefcase? Always in the bathroom fixing her mascara?

Anyway, I heard she was mad about the fact that Helen has that space on the third floor of the parking garage, right near the elevator. Even though Shari was technically more senior than her. Well, at least her title was. Helen’s been here for so long, like 15 years, so she deserves that space. And she’s getting older, so give her the elevator spot for goodness sake.

I didn't like that Shari one bit from the start. When she first started working here I watched her drink the last bit of a pot of coffee, then tell me she had a meeting. If course I mind making the next pot! You finished it! What do I look like?

There are rules around here and we should all follow them. It's not even about being a goody two shoes, but just keeping everyone on the same level. If I were a boss I'd make that damn pot of coffee.

Anyway I'm glad she's gone. Her briefcase was ugly and I hope she never gets a good parking spot.

VI.

I was so wasted on Saturday I have a dog now. Some sort of mutt, about the size of a Golden Retriever, but he’s rougher looking. Little more wiry and bony. I can’t take him back, first because I don’t know where I got him, and second because my kids are attached to him now. Jordan calls him Potato.

Yup. The ex-wife’s pissed, like really really mad, just because she thinks it’s some play to win the kids. Truth be told I’ll take anything that makes her mad and the kids happy. But I didn’t plan it like that.

Well we were out golfing at Fairview and were drinking some gin and smoking cigars. Then it got a little hazy. I know we went to the clubhouse and we ran up a tab there, but then I hopped in Bobby’s car and we went all over the frigging map. We were at the Coolidge, then over to the Portsmouth, then McCormack’s, and then I have no clue. 

Anyway, I woke up yesterday at home, and my girlfriend and the kids were playing with the dog. No nametags or nothing on him. We went out and got him a leash and some food. We’ve been feeding him out of Tupperware. He knows how to sit and catch, and he seems like a pretty happy dog. I think he peed on the living room carpet, but no one saw it, so it could’ve been me for all I know.

I’m going to quit drinking for a bit because I don’t want to come home with a damn horse or something next time.

Image Credits

1. Thumbnail: "10_kueche2" by Gerrit Quast licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0
2. Story: "Bubbles in the water cooler" by Quinn Dombrowski licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0
3. Story: "Untitled" by Thomas Meismer licensed by CC BY-NC-ND 2.0